Toilet Envy

Crash into me. Come watch, I’m diving in head first. My feet
stomp on the unpaved road and with each step I move further and further away
from my fears and insecurities. Will I be able to handle what I find at the end
of this road? YES. The answer is yes. It might hurt, scare, shock or upset me,
but it’s good. Like a spoonful of mom’s medicine, it’s just good for you. So
you didn’t really think it would be all butterflies and rainbows did you?
(Sound of record scratching.) Indonesia has officially kicked me in the ass and
slapped me across the face. I’ve jumped in. I’m being strangled in fact by this
world I’m sometimes too intimidated to get to know. I have found out first hand
where the saying, “Full of shit” has come from. First moment of absolute bone
chilling culture shock, let me introduce you to the squat toilet. I’m not a diva;
I understand things are different in each part of the world, one of them being
the toilets. It’s just a matter of getting used to. Remembering my first
experience with what I now call lovingly, “The Squat” still makes me shudder.
Try to form an image using the words filthy, grimy, sweltering heat and then
add pitch darkness to the mix. All I’m thinking is don’t fall in and try not to
get any on yourself. I was somewhat successful. I’ve never wanted my very own
penis so much in my life! Dearest Comfort Inn from family vacations of my
childhood. How I miss you! Your cool, crisp rooms and pristinely clean white
sheets. Bathrooms you could eat off of and buckets overflowing with wonderful
ice you could actually drink. I will always remember you fondly. The refresh
button has been pressed. I am being reprogrammed like the newest 2012 cyborg
with the most gadgets. Everything that has been ingrained into my brain,
erased. All those years of watching ET! being told big boobs and tanned skin
were the “it” thing. The traditional Balinese outfits downplay curves and flatten
out women’s chests. Can you imagine? Your eye is drawn up to the woman’s face
and especially the eyes. As refreshing as a cool glass of water on a 40 degree
day. Men walking around in sarongs with flowers behind their ears, I love it!
The weirdest thing for me having been called, “Casper” since elementary school,
is that all the face creams for women are whitening creams?!  I’m not even going to go there. Who am I? I’m about the size of your hand and very squirmy. I have little beady eyes that I like to use to watch F. take a shower with. I love to torment F. by popping my little head out when she’s trying to sleep. B. describes me by saying,” It won’t hurt you” and “At least he eats the bugs!” Who am I? F.’s new arch enemy,
the GECKO.

F.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Toilet Envy

  1. Love the pictures. I have a whole new love for my bathroom now. Boy Frances new enemy is so cute. My niece has two as pets. I even got to hold them.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s