18-min

Dear Younger Self,

Reading this on your way out for the night? I’m not surprised. You’re super sexually active and I’m using the word, “super” because you’re a bit of a whore. I mean that in the nicest way. You won’t regret any of it so go ahead, fool around as much as you want! You know it’s pretty bad when your roommates are afraid to leave you alone with their friends…

It’s not like you’re going to sleep with all of them! Only the ones that you think are cute.

Along with this festival of touching comes a bit of seriousness. You need to be tested for STDs regularly. Having lots of sex with all kinds of partners means needing to be more diligent about this. Do not wait until you have some kind of strange symptoms down there. Go regularly!

On top of that, make sure to get a PAP test too. Not to be the bringer of bad news but you will have a bit of a scare with abnormal results. What this means is that if something wasn’t caught in time, it would have turned into a much worse situation.

Essentially I’m your fairy godmother, here with precious wisdom about what’s in the cards. Your fairy godmother in fishnet stockings and Mermaid Tears Lipgloss. That’s what it’s called I’m not even joking, the future is Crazy!

Yes, I am wearing fishnets and having them savagely ripped off during sex has never ceased to bring you, great pleasure.

I’m about to give you one more thing to be grateful for. When you make questionable life decisions, you don’t have to worry yet about any of those somewhat silly choices being documented on what we now call Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.

What is all that stuff you ask? What if while on a night out or at any time for that matter, you would take pictures of your food, what you’re doing, where you are, who you’re with. Most importantly lots and lots of pictures of yourself making, I’m not pulling your leg here, a duck face!

This phenomenon is what will be known in the near future, as selfies. In response to what I know you’re thinking right now, no there hasn’t ever been anything more stupid. This is in fact the stupidest thing.

Before we move any further I just want to take a moment to say, that you’re doing an awesome job!

Mistakes are made so we can learn from them but maybe, if we keep our voices down no one will hear me giving you a few essential words of advice. A teensy-weensy warning. I don’t think anyone will mind anyway, they’re too busy taking selfies!

Here is a list of things I wouldn’t do if I were you. Oh look at that, I am you!

If they can be avoided, don’t do these things:

Don’t try to dye your hair blonde using facial bleach. Honey, do I really need to say this? You are not meant to be a blonde! I know, I know they have more fun. This brunette has more than enough fun without needing to change her hair colour, thank you very much!

Don’t get a tattoo in a language you can’t read. Imagine all the confused looks you will get from people who can read it, when the tattoo artist makes a mistake.

Don’t try to run a company with your ex lover. I feel like this one is really obvious so I won’t go into further explanation.

Don’t ever forget, that bad things happen to good people. They just do, you are not being punished, that’s the way it is. Try to find the silver lining or lesson, there always is one.

Don’t go out to celebrate your birthday on an empty stomach, have one too many blow job shots and end up passed out on the sidewalk of a busy intersection, while tourists walk by on the way to their hotel rooms…

I’m kidding here. No regrets, Love!

Every little embarrassingly painful choice, has made you who you are today.  I have a feeling you’ll like and even be proud of her, future you I mean.

When she’s on the ground, she gets right back up and keeps going. Remember, when it feels impossible dust yourself off, touch up your lipgloss and try again.

I promise, you will get there!

Love and hugs,

Future F.

P.S. You’re seeing Radiohead next month!

Read more: Letter Series

Twitter: @FrancesElaina