You are More than your Size.

Cold, dirty snow slaps me in the face with the appropriate song lyric, “Bitch I’m Madonna” trapped in my head…

So did you hear she’s dating another twenty-five year old model? Please keep it up Madonna!

Break those boundaries into tiny pieces and pave the road for the rest of us who may also want to show our ass and fuck twenty something models when we’re almost sixty. 

Would some of Madonna’s choices be as shocking or interesting to us if she were a man? She claims we live in a sexist, ageist society and who can honestly disagree.

In the ‘90’s she ruffled feathers with what was at the time considered controversial imagery, her dancing in front of burning crosses and dabbling in BDSM. Would she have found it amusing then, to know that having a sex life in her late fifties gets people talking just as much!

giphy-1

I’ve never been a huge fan but have appreciated some of her messages; strength, rule breaking and the power to keep re-inventing yourself. At times her tactics may be a bit overdone, but we can all understand the need to hammer people over the head with something to get their undivided attention.

In our modern age of cosmetic and digital enhancement who are the women in the media truly trying to encourage empowerment?

I have hated my fatter self and can totally feel someone like Ashley Graham. She’s all like, Hey look over here I’m big AND beautiful. You thought fat wasn’t sexy, well check out THIS body!

Ashley rejects the label, ”plus-size” and doesn’t want to be put into a box because of the number inside her pants.

The crazy concept that a woman is more than her physical self, imagine!

Starting with even the smallest change matters, like making a conscious effort to tell our daughters, nieces and granddaughters that they are strong and smart just as often as cute or pretty.

F.

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10 things I would tell my 10 year old self

Letter Series Chapter 4:10-years

To help ring in the New Year, here are 10 important things I would tell myself at 10 years old…

    1. Be You, whatever that means. There is no need to try to be something you’re not just so people will like you. Those who truly belong in your life, always find a way to be there.
    2. Trust your instinct. Right now you’re a kid who really doesn’t know their ass from their elbow but always remember this, you are much smarter than you think. Don’t doubt yourself, I have seen what you are capable of and everything you will accomplish.
    3. Take your time getting into clothes, fashion, make-up and worrying about what you look like. There is more than enough time for all of it, you’re a child, be free!
    4. A blow job doesn’t have anything to do with a blow dryer & kissing someone is amazing! It doesn’t feel anything like when you, “practise” with the wall or your pillow.
    5. Live (somewhat) fearlessly. Fear is a very negative, crippling emotion.
    6. You are not, ”fat” or “ugly” like the bullies say. Their picking on you is only a reflection of the insecurity you spark in them. Features you hate about yourself now, will one day be part of the look everyone wants.
    7. Spend more time in nature, thinking about things that make you laugh, listening to music and dancing even when there is none.
    8. Time is nothing and the right time is now. Believe in miracles and most importantly, believe in the power of love. It’s the only thing that really matters.
    9. Love at first sight truly does exist, even if you try to deny it. Keep your eye on the hippie in Indian fisherman pants…You will be mesmerized by more than just his stylish dance moves.
    10. Life isn’t fair and you will only end up hurt if you expect it to be. You will be judged and misunderstood. People will dislike you, sometimes with merit (because everyone has the occasional bitchy moment) but most of the time for no good reason. Get over it. Being liked by everyone is boring as fuck! Again, Be You

Love, future F.

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Yours forever, The Christmas Devil. xo

🎵  It’s Krampus, Krampus, he’ll darken all of your dreams…

It’s Krampus, Krampus, running won’t help you get away! 🎵

krampus-pic

Image Credit: D.Balenzano

There was once a pointy pair of whiskered ears, too large not to encourage listening

What horrible things these ears heard and heard!

At about the same time as winter’s dust would fall ever so delicately from the sky;

He would stir and slowly begin to awaken.

Aware while sleeping of misfortunes that did not allow him to get much rest.

Blank faced warriors marching to the ear shattering beat of their mistaken god, Greed.

Oh the lies, lies, lies! “Unable to cure this, impossible to fix that, not enough for everyone!”

Now his work in return had only just begun.

While sharpening his claws he formulates the final draft of his, Better-hope-your-name-isn’t-on-this; Naughty List!

On the chilliest night when everyone is lost in a pill induced sleep-

The bells and rusty chains play a quiet symphony once more.

Their sound slowly gains intensity as he gets closer… then still a little closer

The warning, Brav Sein had been given, what was now put into motion could no longer be stopped.

Peeling open their crusted eyes, The Naughty Ones instantly become familiar with the grotesquely cramped position their body is placed in.

Stuffed into a large basket and dragged, to a fiery pit way down below.

Then, only blackness.

F.

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Condo Erection

condo-erection 

My attention lingers on the view outside where a bit of modern magic is taking place. A high-rise condo is in what seems to be its final stages of construction and we’ve shared every complicated step.

I have often found myself thinking, “Wow Buddy, your balls are definitely bigger than mine!” In response to work conditions that had to be breaking safety codes somewhere and required extended periods of time out in our beloved Canadian winter temperatures.

There used to be nothing right in that spot and now there is a large tower made of cement, metal and glass. It’s like watching experimental dance…

This guy on this side is doing the exact same thing as the other guy all the way on the opposite side of the building and they can’t even see or speak to each other. They might be working at a different pace but they are still making the same exact movements and motions together, at the same time. They are connected, working toward an ultimate goal, possibly never even having met. 

The road may be long, but perseverance and hard work gets the job done.

What kind of moments will take place between these newly fabricated pristine walls? Too much to try to imagine. A clean slate, a new beginning, the possibilities are endless…

We are all under construction. Transforming, changing, hopefully moving forward while the broken parts and scabs have a chance to heal.

Letting go of old routines or patterns, retraining thought processes that no longer serve your greater good. Keeping on the path that leads to realizing your dreams, once you figure out what the fuck your true dreams actually are.

Yesterday, I prematurely went for a run with a bandaged, injured foot. Being mildly addicted to my workouts, I wasn’t going to let anything delay progress.

“Well hello masochistic side of myself, nice to finally meet you! I have been waiting impatiently to be introduced. I always knew you were standing there at the other end of the room, but I wasn’t quite ready to face you just yet.”

The road may be long… soon even this broken part will heal.

F.

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Caution: Disturbing Content

evil-vet

This man needs to be stopped!!

Dr. Mahavir Singh Rekhi is a low form of evil.

He preys on living creatures weaker than he is, who have come to him for help and to be healed.

My heart is racing as I write…What do we do about this?

No one can ever take their animal to his practise or leave a pet in his care again!

He took an oath to protect animals and cannot receive some laughable mild punishment. If he gets away with this, we are handing over the possibility of ever living in a society that values truth.

We will be standing by, while those that claim to heal and protect us violently harm members of our family.

First with the possible mass killing of dogs in Montreal simply because of their breed, now THIS!

Make me proud to be Canadian again and take better care of our animals.

Please Sign this Petition & Share!

F.

The Cold Shoulder

the cold shoulder

Letter Series Chapter 3: Creamy Cravings

Dear Ice Cream Truck Driver,

Stop trying to sabotage my attempt at living a, “Fit & healthy,” “ Strong is the new skinny,” “Dairy & processed sugar free,” life! Why do you have such a knack for creeping by my window and playing your seductive tune right after my workout? As I sip my raw, vegan protein shake I can almost taste every one of your creamy treasures and feel the melting love juice dripping down the corner of my chin…

I mean what kind of person doesn’t like ice cream? Something has to seriously, be wrong with you!

Ice cream generates instant smiles and brings us all back to our childhood and a time of simple, pure happiness. With so many flavours to choose from,  you’re bound to find the one that with each extra lick helps to dissolve all of your deepest, darkest sorrows…

I know I’m not the only one who has cried herself right to the bottom of an empty ice cream tub after a bad breakup?! Who hasn’t savoured a little après fête ice cream cake slathered all over their lover’s nether regions? If by slim chance you haven’t tried this please do pencil it in a.s.a.p, it’s sticky fun for everyone! I would much rather pour some nice prosecco down your vaj, but variety is what keeps things interesting. 😉

Why does ice cream have the power to make us crave it as soon as we see someone else enjoying some? Does kale have that effect? When you see someone eating a kale salad are you all like,

Wow, I really want some kale!”

Maybe what we need is a little more ice cream in our lives. Ice cream that we just lick and enjoy without worrying about sugar and fat content or calorie count or how much we should run on the treadmill to work off the icy delight the next day.

I propose the adult version of an Ice Cream Truck, the “Margarita Van.” I was going to say, “Marijuana” but decided to stick with, “Margarita.”

Cue Fergie’s, “M.I.L.F. $” Song…

Yes! That is the soundtrack playing in the background while all the happy adults walk, run, skip and traipse their way to the Margarita Van! Can’t you just picture it?

Now, how do I get one of those to drive through my neighbourhood…

F.

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Trash to Treasure

Garbage

Garbage. One simple, nasty word that can be applied to so many things these days…

The inescapable epidemic of violence, American politics, the web of lies that both the pharmaceutical and advertising industries weave, or the nutrient lacking mountain of chemicals we refer to as our food supply. ALL GARBAGE.

“Poverty is the worst form of violence.” Mahatma Gandhi

One of the views from our Toronto high rise displays the lack of balance in our world. Day after day those that have nothing search through the garbage of those that have too much. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, literally. Poverty or suffering without one’s basic human needs being met is a timeless, universal problem. One that we have obviously no interest in solving.

Where is the balance?

Maybe it’s trapped at the bottom of that stuffed to capacity garbage bin. Under the old stuff I got rid of because I bought some new stuff or the extra stuff I had for a while that I wasn’t using or the stuff I bought on sale even though I already had the same stuff at home…BALANCE.

Most of us can’t even wrap our heads around any reality that is too far removed from our perfect, disconnected, selfish lives. Isn’t posting something on social media proactive? Fuck social media, fuck the little cocoons we build around ourselves while we stare at the flickering blue screens on our cell phones. I dare you just for a moment, to truthfully imagine this:

Once upon a time,

You own and have absolutely nothing. Everything you eat is either a hand out or comes from what you can find in someone else’s garbage. You have nowhere to sleep tonight and every other night…The End

F.

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Recipes of Love

Nonna

Letters Series Chapter 2: Letter to Nonna’s Grave

Dear Nonna,

You were missed this past easter. More specifically, I missed your tough baker’s hands and my ultimate favourite indulgence, Calzone di cipolla, heavenly onion pie. I never appreciated enough when you were alive how important upholding these traditions were. I wish I would have taken the time to learn more about some of these recipes.

Magic ingredients you used to craft taste sensations year after year with your skilled hands. Into your eighties, upper body rounded over a countertop, you kept up with the back breaking work making batch after batch of enough food to feed a small army.

I’m not sure now, how much we really knew about you. Obviously quite strong, you moved oceans away from home to a country where everyone spoke a different language. Leaving one place, following the hope of a better life somewhere in the unknown.

Your smile always seemed at it’s brightest, in pictures when you went back to visit. Did you ever really want to move?

Like a fragile leaf, torn and broken on your knees, you screamed the name of your beloved dead son…

Only as we were loosing you in the hospital, did this intense vulnerability appear again. With heavy breath, time and the world stopped because nothing else mattered. Cold room warmed by loving hands. Trembling hands held still, questioning hands reassured by prayer, dying hands waving goodbye to hands holding on tightly for one last time.

I hope we were able to bring you some comfort and that you knew you were cared for and loved. Now your spirit lives on in eternal peace, never having to feel loss or be physically slowed down by aches and pains, when it yearns to remain active and free. You are free now Nonna, free from anything that ever stopped you from having that big bright smile on your face all the time.

Love,

your granddaughter

F.

 

Spanked: A unicorn’s story

 

pete 1

Letters Series Chapter 1: Meet Pete

From Matilda to her unicorn Pete:

I have offended you my precious and for this I am truly sorry. Please let me softly whisper secrets one more time in your cute little fluffy ear! Remember, it’s you and me against the world sweet cheeks and nothing in this great big crazy world could ever change that.

Spanking you on the bus was just something that had to be done and there was no avoiding it. How many times have we had the talk about things that are appropriate when we are in public and how we spend our time when it’s just the two of us at home in the big marble castle?

I don’t enjoy humiliating you, especially so close to our wedding anniversary. ❤ ❤ ❤

Oh don’t look at me like that with those irresistible big, shiny eyes. I am trying to make a good impression on the other members of the royal kingdom. When one laughs alone to themselves it might give strangers an indication of, a few screws loose or something missing upstairs. I cannot encourage this kind of first impression.

When I pull you out of my purse and we are anywhere but our private quarters, be the jewel at my side that only makes me appear to shine even brighter in the afternoon’s warm sunlight!

You must not point and snicker at people on the bus even if they smell, are fat or have absolutely no sense of fashion. Not all of God’s creatures can be as color coordinated and adorable as you are, my love. Compliments aside I will raise my hand to your behind again if I need to.

Signed with love & longing…

Matilda Queen of the Universe. xxx

P.S. I have laid your pajama out on the couch. I need a bit of time alone to get my head straight.

P.P.S. Don’t try to win me back by doing that, thing you do. I’m officially immune to your advances.

From Pete to Matilda Queen of the Universe:

Touché my dear, touché. I am guilty and therefore deserve any form of abuse you may see fit. I often find myself thinking about how much better I am than everyone else which unfortunately provokes inappropriate laughter in public. Why should I mute any part of myself just to be socially acceptable in a clearly corrupt society?

While we are on the topic of keeping up appearances, a little eyeliner would be a good idea. If I can find a way to look this cute in every type of lighting, you can invest in some long-wear lipstick to spice up our sex life.  I’d die to see how long it will take to wipe those red rings off my privates…

See what you do to me? Now I’m all riled up on the bus and you’re not even here so I could do something about it. All I have to distract me is the overwhelming stench of body odour and I think someone shit themselves – I can’t tell which direction the smell is coming from…The subway is delayed again & this bitch is due for a caffeine fix.  It’s about to get nasty in here!

A fat woman, who clearly doesn’t own a mirror, keeps pushing me and playing with her phone. If I don’t ever see you again because she fell and I got crushed, remember you, my little skin tag, were roughly the best samba under the sheets I ever had. Shave your mustache and get that ass in the air baby, papa’s throwing down some old people and coming straight home.

Pete

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F.

 

The Beautiful People

Dangerously walked into Sephora today with no makeup on…

As I had suspected, several over done little helpers quickly made their way in my direction, ready to provide solutions to all the important problems in the world.

I was obviously visiting the store today because I urgently needed to replace the 10 plus pretty bottles of crap some women and men feel the need to slather themselves in before leaving the house. Moisturizer, primer, concealer, highlighter, eyeliner…& the list continues.

If you’re smart, a BB or CC cream is your top coat of choice and you just saved yourself a few minutes! This high tech substance in a tube takes care of not one but 3 of these mandatory rituals.

I am a newbie to the primer “gang”. Frankly, I’m quite impressed with how eerily well it can hold makeup in place. You can do anything and it will not move. Long day at work, public transport in Canadian weather, workout hard enough to make you vomit, filthy sex…

Eyeliner check = still absolutely unnecessary. These humble activities are no match for your Primer Power! Perfect makeup forever, even if you want to take it off its alive and it tries to stop you!

Gone are the days when I had to worry my eyeliner was making me look like Marilyn Manson. Now I know every eyelash is always in just the right place.

 Beauty can be natural even if that concept feels far off somewhere in the distance. Going against professional advice, I refuse to use a brow kit to perfect my eyebrows. It’s a feeble attempt to leave one feature without cosmetic improvement because Drag Queens are the only ones who look good with that much stuff on their faces.

It’s really ok not to enhance and correct every detail. Flaws are not failure; they are what make us individuals. Let’s give the world a chance to see our beauty; it might be trapped under a few layers of insecurity & ugliness.

F.

What do you think? Does the cosmetic industry prey on people’s insecurities and offer expensive solutions to imaginary problems?

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PIC 2 FINAL